Abba-Zaba should change their slogan to
"ABBA-ZABA: WHAT HAVE I DONE!"
That is, if they have a slogan to change it from. Do they? I guess they're kind of one of those lesser-know candy bars. Never really made it to the Snickers-y* upper echelons of candy bar society, and they haven't for good reason: they are dangerous. Hoodlums! Candy bars that should come with a warning label will never make it that big. Candy bars that look like a warning label will never make it that big.
I just fucked myself up. Twice.
A few months ago, I was at the candy store (7-Eleven) and I got me my first Abba-Zaba in probably 20 years. Don't you kinda wanna wear that vintage wrapper? Captain Beefheart and Tom Waits and the stoner from that movie couldn't be wrong. It started talkin' to me (I hadn't slept the night before). It said all the right nostalgic things to make me give'er a try. And, I remembered they were really good...
but I didn't remember the "good" was made of some cruel, semi-malleable crazy-glue hard stuff they tell you is "taffy". I also didn't remember that back in the day I still had my first set of kid teeth, and I couldn't have given a shit whether they shattered and fell out or not because I had backups on the way and a tooth fairy that paid well. That night I tried it and it hurt me, so I gave it to my friend. (Hush.)
Today, after several weeks of late work nights and more iced blended coffee things slushing through my veins than blood, I was at the candy store (7-Eleven) and Abba-Zaba started sexy-talking again. In a moment of weakness, I bought another one, thinking if I just had a better strategy (started to remember you have to work on it a while before you venture a bite) I could make it happen. I tried it again. With the right method in mind, I cleared the hard-as-a-rock-this-is-definitely-not-taffy phase. I was making progress, and then my teeth got stuck. Bad. Like Briar Rabbit stuck. I nearly cracked my jaw trying to free myself from the tar baby. I tossed it. That jerk! I could picture the after school special where the candy bar (muscle t-shirt, cool bluejeans) would peek out of the trash and be all
"Baby, baby, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. Let's try again, baby. You and me, we can make work. It'll be just like the old times I promise. "
And then Alyssa Milano would whip around, and all teary-eyed but super resolved would tell it
"You've hurt me for the last time. I'm going to go stay with my sister in Poughkeepsie. Its time I..."
Do I really have to finish that? Good, I didn't think so. I also got a chance to write down "Poughkeepsie."
*If I had written "per-Snickers-y" I would have been mad at myself.
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On a seperate but related note, I really have a thing for adorable "B"-heavy words like Abba-Zaba. It's going on the list, maybe. So far:
scuba dive
webisode
filibuster
abacrombie and/or albacore
